Fear, Failure, and Fun [T - 12 days]

12 days.

It's a unique number of days. Lost in that fog between two weeks and one, muddled up in the thinning swamp of double digits.

In two weeks, I will have been in Japan for two days. How will I feel then? What will I be doing?

Dumbledore told Harry, "It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more." This couldn't be more true for Japan. Tokyo is one big Unknown. What do the classrooms look like? What will the habits and personalities of the people on my trip be? What's across the street from where I live? What is it like to sing karaoke? What foods are on the shelves in grocery stores? What's that strange-looking thing in my ramen?

I think fear of the unknown is closely related to fear of failure. We figure we're going to fail because, hey, it's something we've never done/seen/felt before.

But what would be a failure in Tokyo? If I get off at the wrong subway stop, is that a failure? If I think I'm buying x at the grocery store, but it turns out to be y, is that a failure? If I forget to pack something important, is that a failure? If I get sick of all my clothes, is that a failure?

We consider these things failures, when really they are just mistakes, embarrassing moments, learning opportunities, or mix-ups. They are not the end of the world. They do not ruin others' perceptions of us (at least, they shouldn't). They don't diminish all the hard work we put into each day. In fact, they are proof of that hard work. If I stayed in my dormitory for four months in Tokyo, I wouldn't experiences any "failures." I wouldn't experience anything at all.

As my swim coach told my fellow sprinter Kenzie and I when we started drowning in anxiety before our race, as my dad's first boss told him when his sales job caused him overwhelming stress:

Just go out there and have fun.

I can't speak for Kenzie, but I didn't receive that advice too willingly right away. It seemed petty and ridiculous to me. In my desperation and frustration, I said, "Screw it. Guess I'll try that stupid 'fun' thing." I dove off the blocks without caring about the race or the time. I just swam as fast as I could because it was fun to swim as fast as I could. And what do you know - we both swam close to our personal bests.

If I get on the subway or walk to class or go for a run in the park with the goal of having fun, I will be too busy seeing and hearing all the amazing things around me to worry about "failing." I'll be my happy sponge self, taking it all in, happy to be there.

次回まで.
Jikai made.